The "Really Big Bummer"

I (Merrie) am up early while the boys sleep (Sean is sleeping in until we wake him at 7:30 these days, and then we dash to school) -- this is a common thing, since it is usually when I exercise, get some urgent work done, unpack (well, not really, but that is what I should be doing), or indulge in a bit of reading. Usually, it doesn't involve blogging (as you've notice, fair reader), but my dream this am made me feel compelled to capture some of my rambling thoughts.
In this dream, Kate and Farber had to do some sort of re-do/renewal of their wedding. I can't really remember why that was, but we all went along with it -- lots to handle because it was a big event, but not necessarily with the same emotional impact (this part of the dream is fuzzy, I am sure it is not a statement on whether their August 13 vows "stick"). Kate and Bub were doing some sort of prep and I went to find them and help out. I knocked on the door, walked in, and saw them chatting with... our Dad.
It was breathtaking -- while they were just chatting away, I started crying while trying to pretend it was not a big deal (since that was the vibe).
They/we knew it was as if we were chatting with a ghost, a spirit of some sort. He wasn't really there, but had "stopped by" to hang out before this semi-important family occasion. I can't remember what we discussed, but it was more like the playful and witty banter I associate with daily conversations with my father rather than the deeper, "What happens after death? Why do bad things happen in the first place?" I might have expected. After a few minutes, we had to head out for the ceremony so we said a quick, casual goodbye and left the room.
It was wonderful to have such a strong and clear visual image of my father -- something that I hadn't been able to conjure up in dreams or while awake in a long time, much less a moving, interactive version. And, to be reminded of how fun daily conversation was with him. While I am no expert on dream analysis (or anything for that matter...), I definitely think this dream "represented" how I think about how those that have passed away remain with us -- as some sort of spirit made up of the collective memories of those that knew them. It was amazing that his three daughters (Mom, so sorry you weren't there!) could actually conjure him up while all in the same room. If only this could really happen!
So, this dream has me thinking about how we pass along memories of those we loved to the next generation -- how we can somehow make those memories live for our children. I have been thinking about this a lot, especially since my wonderful coworker Aldwyn lost her (amazing sounding) Mom suddenly this fall, and Pomona roomie Heather is packing up her family home in PA after her father died a few weeks ago. I think we can pass and should on our memories to help others feel that connection, and I awoke this morning with a renewed commitment to do so with Sean.
This summer, as we wandered around semi-suburban Arlington after a playdate with Elizabeth and Amelia, I was inspired to spend a few minutes telling Sean about his Grandad. I think I hesitate to do this more often because, even after 13.5 years, it is still hard at times for me to talk about how much we miss him, and I don't know how much Sean can really understand about death -- plus I don't want to trigger him worrying, "Will my Dad die too?". But at any rate, I was telling him about how his Grandad loved to garden and grew awesome tomatoes, since Sean loves spotting food in gardens (in the city, more apt to be either community gardens or usually our local urban gardening store in Adams Morgan). And, that he loved nature, and swimming, and baseball, and ice cream, and making up silly songs or nicknames. Basically, that they would have gotten along great -- and it was a "really big bummer" that he didn't get to meet his grandson and vice versa.
Since that talk (probably back in June or early July), whenever his Grandad came up in conversation Sean would pronounce "that is a really big bummer!" I don't think he really knows what it meant, since we haven't otherwise used that expression around him. And while I don't like modeling that sort of vocabulary with Sean, in this case it works. I don't have a more eloquent way to describe the fact that Sean will never get to know his Grandad directly. There are so many times that Sean is being playful and cracking his almost-3-year-old jokes with a twinkle in his eye that he so reminds me of my Dad. While perhaps I am supposed to be more at peace with this sort of feeling by now, this deep sense of disappointment and regret that the only way my child will know his grandfather is through stories, it is still tough. In other words, it is a "really big bummer."
But, I awoke this morning with a renewed commitment to tell those stories, point out the shared traits and loves, to make my father more real -- even if it is hard sometimes. I don't want to deny my child this chance to know his family and his heritage the only way I can. To not do so would also be a really big bummer.